The Things I Can Never Say Aloud
by Tailsgfriend
Summary: "I leave this note to whoever cares enough to pick it up, though, I'm beginning to believe no one cares at all."


I leave this note to whoever cares enough to pick it up, though, I'm beginning to believe no one cares at all.

It's insane how the feeling of loneliness can consume someone, even when they have people around them, so close they could reach out and touch them, they can still feel disconnected from any sort of close relationships. I thought I'd be above loneliness catching me, now that I had my body back and could interact with others in a way I hadn't been able to in such a long time, but this empty feeling can even take the brightest. It definitely took me.

I guess it all started with two major blows, occurring right around the same time. The people I was closest too began to distance themselves away from me. My brother and Winry began their own busy lives… And somehow, I no longer became a piece of it. Sure, they still talked to me, still spent time with me, but not nearly as much as they used to, and even when they did it was nothing like before. Our relationships felt distant, growing harder and harder to reach every day…

I should've expected it, a part of growing up is becoming distant with those you were close to, but it felt as though it was happening so fast… I was losing the people I cared for most, at least that's what it felt like. It felt like I was no longer important, like I was thrown to the side… And when I tried to make that known to them, at first, they showed sympathy…But eventually I could tell they grew tired of it.

Maybe I should've done more…Maybe I shouldn't have whined and complained so much…But I didn't know how to make things better. I was always the one to reach out to them. I was always the one who made the effort… And I feared stopping that because they truly may forget me…But maybe my constant need for attention from them was a nuisance. Maybe I was just becoming annoying… I don't know. There's a lot I could've done wrong but I…I tried… And it just left me farther apart from them than before.

Honestly…At this point I wonder if they even care about me… But that's what loneliness does I suppose. It makes you question your relationships…Makes you question your importance… And if I'm being honest, I see nothing important about myself… I see no reason for them to care.

Winry was kind about it, she put on a smiling face, even if it was fake, and endured. She showed sympathy but it was obvious that she wouldn't change any of her actions. She just offered a 'sorry'…Probably to get me to shut up… And well, I did. I stopped telling her about how I felt because I knew she didn't care. It hurt and even now I feel like I'm losing our friendship… But what can I do? My efforts all lead to irritation.

Ed was the harder blow though… I get it…He's been through so much and he deserves a happy life now… But…But even then, what right did he have to say if I kept being so negative I would be cut out of it? I still don't know to this day if he was serious or not…If this was just his way to get me to cheer up or if he truly would push me out of his life if I kept on mentioning the struggles I was having with mine… I get that I was probably a burden…I probably just created more stress on him… But who do I have to go to now? The two most important people turned their backs on me and now…Who can I get help from? How can I fix this?

I tried to push the emotions away… I tried to find happiness in other friendships…I went to Xing and spent time with people like May, LanFan, and Ling…But even then…My burdens followed me. The loneliness followed me. I know they were kind to me but I can't help but wonder if they truly care… I feel like I am only an outsider, only someone to provide some company when needed…But other than that I was nothing. If I was gone… I feel as though they wouldn't care.

Ed and Winry sure don't.

And loneliness drives you to think this way. I know it's irrational to think that after all of this, my friends and family hate me… They just want me out of this funk… But I don't think I can do it on my own, not when the reason for it is pure loneliness. So, I just dive deeper…

Some days I'm fine, I'm able to distract myself from this feeling…But other times, especially in the middle of the night, I feel miserable. I really just want to disappear… I want to stop any communication with others just in hope that someone would come looking for me…That someone would care enough to come find me.

But that's childish…And… In all honesty, I truly fear no one would look.

So, I leave this note. I leave it here because I have nowhere else to turn to… I have no one else to say this to…And I fear if I speak this to others I'll just push them away further.

I leave this here in hopes that maybe someone will read it and understand…That someone will be able to know, without me directly telling them, that I'm struggling…And maybe they won't hold it against me…Maybe it'll just help them understand me more.

I leave this note as a symbol that despite my loneliness…I am still here. I'm trying to stay strong, I truly am… And I'm trying to push forward and leave these feelings behind…But it truly is difficult.

I leave this note, wishing that maybe Ed or Winry or any of my other friends may read this and help me…Even if it's just by letting me know that they care…. Because I really need it.

I, Alphonse Elric, leave this note because I'm not okay… Because I don't want to live like this. I don't want to be anxious, or sad, or lonely… And I don't want others to think of me as whiny or a burden… I want to be better… I truly to.

I just don't even know where to begin.


End file.
